Frequently couples come to see me about their relationship problems. They recite what appears to be an endless list of the sins that the other person has committed which has negatively affected the partnering. Sometimes I am told about differences in values, financial indiscretions or disappointments from unfulfilled promises. In one form or another, however, I hear individuals talk about the need for the other person to improve his or her attitude.
Many of the complaints are not the problem but are actually a consequence or result of the underlying problem. Couples who began the relationship with starry-eyed wonder can be overcome quickly by the reality of unpaid bills, household chores, childcare responsibilities and different personality traits. Author Florence Littauer aptly describes this by saying "after the wedding comes the marriage".
It is interesting to hear stories from couples who have been together fifty or sixty years. None of them claim that their situation was problem-free. In fact, usually they credit trouble for drawing them closer together.
There are at least three times in my life that there has been a significant event in the news that impacted me profoundly. One was when John F. Kennedy was shot. As a young student, I remember that day because of several things. We didn't know much about American politics as we listened in class to the radio and heard the unfolding of a historical event, the memories were burned into our minds. How tragic that someone would use a gun worth $12.78 to shoot a leader!
The world was also greatly impacted by the death of Princess Diana. Like millions around the world I watched the funeral on television wondering if and how the Queen would recover from the disgust of her British subjects who felt she hadn't responded appropriately or quickly enough. England was silent the day of the funeral despite the crowds in the streets. They claim that even the birds didn't sing.
Queen Elizabeth, a woman who had never waited for anything in her life, stood on the street in front of Buckingham Palace, waiting for the casket of the daughter-in-law who had upstaged the royals so many times. The Queen, with folded hands, bowed in honour of the Princess. At that moment, I decided that I wanted to have that kind of dignity in my life. I want to be able to bow to my enemies as well as my friends.
The third time that a world event touched my soul was on September 11th. Everything that we knew was shaken in a matter of moments.
I share these stories with couples and suggest that we pretend we are in the towers just before they collapse. Then I ask the couple to tell the other person what they would be saying to the other person. It's never "Well, you should have kept a cleaner house" or "I wish you hadn't spent so much money" or "It's your fault that the children don't listen". Instead, individuals cry as they state "Thanks for the good times" or "I really love you".
If this was the last day of your life and you had an opportunity to utter a few words to your partner would they be about the daily living difficulties or about the global commitment that you have to each other?
You see, commitment is a thread that holds people together despite the difficulties. What do you think would happen to your relationship if you spoke the commitment rather than the problems every day?
I think if you begin today before long you will be celebrating your fiftieth anniversary.
advanced dating
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Wednesday, January 7, 2009
the perfect woman
Every man dreams of finding the perfect woman. Every woman hopes of finding Mr. Right. Nobody wants to end up with the wrong kind, so every other relationship becomes a trial-and-error test. For some it is a process of elimination: collect as many as you want, then pick them off one by one. For others, only the perfect relationship will do and by the time they come to their senses, there's nobody out there but their ever faithful dog. There is a certain moment in life when a person would feel that living alone doesn't feel fun and liberating anymore.
It simply feels lonely and wrong. You dream of waking up in the morning with that perfect someone on the other side of the bed. You dream of long, stimulating conversations over a cup of hot coffee-of tight hugs and tender kisses, of the pitter-patter of small feet all over the house. Then you dream of growing old together, with a handful of gray hair, smelling of liniment sitting side by side on your recliner. Aah, pure bliss. Unfortunately, choosing a life partner is a far cry from shopping for shoes. If it doesn't fit you can always go back and exchange it.
With a husband or wife, you go to court and spend a fortune on lawyers because you can't just toss the person out of the window and out of your life. So how do you tell if that person is the ONE for you? Every person has a standard of what his partner should be. Some people make the mistake of marrying somebody based purely on the physical aspect. Physical compatibility is important, but there's more to marriage than having a trophy wife or husband. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your ambitions in life? Do you share the same views and opinions? Do you have common values? At the end of the day, it's not the attractive set of facial features or the perfect physique that matters.
It's how you handle each other's differences and turn it into an advantage in your relationship. Taking the big step that is marriage is not easy. It doesn't start with the extravagant wedding and ends with the romantic honeymoon. Real marriage happens the day after, when you discover your partner's annoying habits and try your best to accept the person that he really is. Really, there is no such thing as a perfect life partner. Every person has his/her own differences which could always cause conflict. And surely, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. There may be a lot of marriages that don't work, but there are also a lot of happy, satisfying relationships.
No, it's not because two perfect people found each other and made a perfect life together. How boring this life would be if we were all the same! A lasting, fulfilling relationship is achieved when two very different people come together and work on their differences to create a marriage that is based on friendship and love. Now that's perfect!
It simply feels lonely and wrong. You dream of waking up in the morning with that perfect someone on the other side of the bed. You dream of long, stimulating conversations over a cup of hot coffee-of tight hugs and tender kisses, of the pitter-patter of small feet all over the house. Then you dream of growing old together, with a handful of gray hair, smelling of liniment sitting side by side on your recliner. Aah, pure bliss. Unfortunately, choosing a life partner is a far cry from shopping for shoes. If it doesn't fit you can always go back and exchange it.
With a husband or wife, you go to court and spend a fortune on lawyers because you can't just toss the person out of the window and out of your life. So how do you tell if that person is the ONE for you? Every person has a standard of what his partner should be. Some people make the mistake of marrying somebody based purely on the physical aspect. Physical compatibility is important, but there's more to marriage than having a trophy wife or husband. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your ambitions in life? Do you share the same views and opinions? Do you have common values? At the end of the day, it's not the attractive set of facial features or the perfect physique that matters.
It's how you handle each other's differences and turn it into an advantage in your relationship. Taking the big step that is marriage is not easy. It doesn't start with the extravagant wedding and ends with the romantic honeymoon. Real marriage happens the day after, when you discover your partner's annoying habits and try your best to accept the person that he really is. Really, there is no such thing as a perfect life partner. Every person has his/her own differences which could always cause conflict. And surely, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. There may be a lot of marriages that don't work, but there are also a lot of happy, satisfying relationships.
No, it's not because two perfect people found each other and made a perfect life together. How boring this life would be if we were all the same! A lasting, fulfilling relationship is achieved when two very different people come together and work on their differences to create a marriage that is based on friendship and love. Now that's perfect!
I believe that just about everyone desires a successful and fulfilled life, but they just don't know how to obtain it. Well, the secret to a fulfilled life is honoring your commitments. In other words keeping your promises.
A commitment is a promise to see something through to the very end. There are no escape clauses and when you fail to keep your promise you damage your credibility, dependability and trustworthiness. It doesn't matter that you don't feel like it any more or someone else didn't do their part. It is solely up to you to honor your commitment.
But, how well you honor your commitments will be determined by your understanding of them. Before you ever make any commitment, you must decide three things:
1. What's the cost?
2. Can I pay the price?
3. Will I do my very best?
Nothing in life of any value is free. There is always a cost and you must determine what that cost will be before making any commitment. You must decide if the reward is worth the cost. Because if the reward isn't worth the cost, you will not see the commitment to the end. You will fail.
However, if you have counted the cost and believe the reward to be worth it, you must decide whether or not you can pay the price. You must be able to pay the price and pay it in full if you are going to successfully complete your commitments.
Many people don't understand there is a price to pay for success and are surprised when it's time to pay.
Finally, you must strive to do your very best. What good is it to make a commitment if you are not going to give it your very best? If you desire to be successful you must be like the craftsman or artist who displays their work for all to see. The craftsmen is not afraid to have their work inspected, they welcome it. Only the shoddy worker hides their work. Striving for excellence will strengthen both your commitment and resolve to finish your promise.
If you want to make sure that you fulfill your commitments: take the time to count the cost, then pay the price and always strive for excellence in all that you do.
A commitment is a promise to see something through to the very end. There are no escape clauses and when you fail to keep your promise you damage your credibility, dependability and trustworthiness. It doesn't matter that you don't feel like it any more or someone else didn't do their part. It is solely up to you to honor your commitment.
But, how well you honor your commitments will be determined by your understanding of them. Before you ever make any commitment, you must decide three things:
1. What's the cost?
2. Can I pay the price?
3. Will I do my very best?
Nothing in life of any value is free. There is always a cost and you must determine what that cost will be before making any commitment. You must decide if the reward is worth the cost. Because if the reward isn't worth the cost, you will not see the commitment to the end. You will fail.
However, if you have counted the cost and believe the reward to be worth it, you must decide whether or not you can pay the price. You must be able to pay the price and pay it in full if you are going to successfully complete your commitments.
Many people don't understand there is a price to pay for success and are surprised when it's time to pay.
Finally, you must strive to do your very best. What good is it to make a commitment if you are not going to give it your very best? If you desire to be successful you must be like the craftsman or artist who displays their work for all to see. The craftsmen is not afraid to have their work inspected, they welcome it. Only the shoddy worker hides their work. Striving for excellence will strengthen both your commitment and resolve to finish your promise.
If you want to make sure that you fulfill your commitments: take the time to count the cost, then pay the price and always strive for excellence in all that you do.
being a man's girlfriend (ie. dating for months) has nothing to do with whether or not he is truly committed to you. A man will ONLY commit to being with you when he falls in love and he is committed if he gives up all of his options and chooses to be with you long-term.
This is the mistake that plenty of women make. They truly believe that wearing the girlfriend crown gives them a permanent space in a man's heart.
But your man can love to be around you and enjoy an intimate relationship with you without truly wanting to be with you long-term. Don't make the mistake of thinking that months of dating is a sure sign that he's committed.
You can tell that a man is committed when he has made a public declaration of his intentions in a way where he is accountable to it. This is why men marry certain types of women.
The man who marries knows deep down that the woman he's with is the ONLY woman who can make him happy. It takes an intuitive process for a man to get here.
When men get to this point in a relationship, they get there alone. No amount of begging, nagging, hinting or mama treatment will cause a man to want to MARRY you. This is just not the way men are wired.
It's time to know the difference between having a commitment and not. If you are giving your man all of the reasons why he shouldn't walk you down the isle, you could just be his girlfriend for now.
This is the mistake that plenty of women make. They truly believe that wearing the girlfriend crown gives them a permanent space in a man's heart.
But your man can love to be around you and enjoy an intimate relationship with you without truly wanting to be with you long-term. Don't make the mistake of thinking that months of dating is a sure sign that he's committed.
You can tell that a man is committed when he has made a public declaration of his intentions in a way where he is accountable to it. This is why men marry certain types of women.
The man who marries knows deep down that the woman he's with is the ONLY woman who can make him happy. It takes an intuitive process for a man to get here.
When men get to this point in a relationship, they get there alone. No amount of begging, nagging, hinting or mama treatment will cause a man to want to MARRY you. This is just not the way men are wired.
It's time to know the difference between having a commitment and not. If you are giving your man all of the reasons why he shouldn't walk you down the isle, you could just be his girlfriend for now.
COMMITMENT PHOBIA
Commitment phobia is the fear of commitment, especially in a marriage or a long-term relationship. For a long time, it was believed that only men had this fear. In the recent years, however, the population of women who actively choose to be single are increasing rapidly. A classic example of a commitment phobe is Maggie Carpenter in the 1999 romantic comedy film "Runaway Bride" (starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere). After leaving three grooms-to-be waiting at the altar, she makes yet another attempt to get married-this time with Bob, a high school football coach. The marriage didn't take place, after Ike kissed Maggie at the wedding rehearsal.
Soon after, Ike and Maggie decide to marry, since the wedding plans are all set. But, Maggie gets cold feet on the wedding day, and left Ike, like all her previous grooms-to-be, standing at the altar. Commitment phobia is not just a movie plot. It is a real problem that a lot of women are dealing with nowadays. Commitment phobes are capable of cultivating natural relationships and actually want to be committed. They have high, unusually unrealistic expectations at the initial stage of each relationship. The feeling doesn't last that long, though. Pretty soon the thought of being in a long-term commitment makes them feel trapped and suffocated.
They are then overpowered by fear, and they do everything in their power to get out of the relationship. All over the world, the population of single women are skyrocketing-and we simply have to ask: why? Why are women becoming terrified of commitment? The causes of commitment phobia can sometimes be traced back to a loss or trauma of some kind such as a nasty divorce or death of a parent, poor role models or the child has witnessed / has been a victim of abuse. Some women have purely professional reasons. Women today are more empowered and have more choices than in the past.
A brilliant career often demands a lot of their time and is prized greatly than a relationship or marriage. But, a lot of them fear commitment because of very obvious reasons: they have been cheated on, used and manipulated, and left to fend off on their own because their men bailed out on them. Getting her heart torn into shreds if she commits could happen again. So how do you know if your Maggie is a commitment phobe or not? Spot the signs and save yourself needless pain: Take a look at her history of relationships. How many times did she get married? Did she have a string of unavailable partners before you? If she did, then your relationship is probably not for the long haul.
You can always convince yourself that she will eventually change, once she knows how terrific a partner you can be. Ask her what she wants-a commitment phobe will either give you a vague description of what she's looking for or admit straight up that she is indeed one. Have you met her family or friends? Has she ever made plans for your future together? Are you dating exclusively? If not, then she just might be scared to commit or maybe not looking for an exclusive relationship just yet. What's so exciting about her? Sometimes your own ambivalence in relationships makes the commitment phobic woman attractive.
It could be that your own fears could possibly draw you to the un-availableness of the person. A commitment phobic woman doesn't have to be in a church, filled with attendants and a groom waiting at the end of the aisle, to have cold feet. Being in a relationship with a Maggie is hard, but there is always a chance that she could exorcise her fears. Seeking professional help or counseling may help her understand the roots of her fear and how to conquer them.
Soon after, Ike and Maggie decide to marry, since the wedding plans are all set. But, Maggie gets cold feet on the wedding day, and left Ike, like all her previous grooms-to-be, standing at the altar. Commitment phobia is not just a movie plot. It is a real problem that a lot of women are dealing with nowadays. Commitment phobes are capable of cultivating natural relationships and actually want to be committed. They have high, unusually unrealistic expectations at the initial stage of each relationship. The feeling doesn't last that long, though. Pretty soon the thought of being in a long-term commitment makes them feel trapped and suffocated.
They are then overpowered by fear, and they do everything in their power to get out of the relationship. All over the world, the population of single women are skyrocketing-and we simply have to ask: why? Why are women becoming terrified of commitment? The causes of commitment phobia can sometimes be traced back to a loss or trauma of some kind such as a nasty divorce or death of a parent, poor role models or the child has witnessed / has been a victim of abuse. Some women have purely professional reasons. Women today are more empowered and have more choices than in the past.
A brilliant career often demands a lot of their time and is prized greatly than a relationship or marriage. But, a lot of them fear commitment because of very obvious reasons: they have been cheated on, used and manipulated, and left to fend off on their own because their men bailed out on them. Getting her heart torn into shreds if she commits could happen again. So how do you know if your Maggie is a commitment phobe or not? Spot the signs and save yourself needless pain: Take a look at her history of relationships. How many times did she get married? Did she have a string of unavailable partners before you? If she did, then your relationship is probably not for the long haul.
You can always convince yourself that she will eventually change, once she knows how terrific a partner you can be. Ask her what she wants-a commitment phobe will either give you a vague description of what she's looking for or admit straight up that she is indeed one. Have you met her family or friends? Has she ever made plans for your future together? Are you dating exclusively? If not, then she just might be scared to commit or maybe not looking for an exclusive relationship just yet. What's so exciting about her? Sometimes your own ambivalence in relationships makes the commitment phobic woman attractive.
It could be that your own fears could possibly draw you to the un-availableness of the person. A commitment phobic woman doesn't have to be in a church, filled with attendants and a groom waiting at the end of the aisle, to have cold feet. Being in a relationship with a Maggie is hard, but there is always a chance that she could exorcise her fears. Seeking professional help or counseling may help her understand the roots of her fear and how to conquer them.
BE COMMITTED
Commitment is a big step in the development of a relationship. Sometimes, we are so eager to obtain that "exclusive promise" from another person that we suppress our own detection systems and ignore the question, is this the person that I really want to be with? Is this the best relationship for me?
Sometimes, we meet someone who is charming and get swept off our feet. We are so blinded by the idea of the person could be, that we miss what may really be there. Unfortunately, there are individuals out in the world who are not wired mentally in the same way the rest of us are. These individuals suffer from an affliction called a personality disorder -- which includes sociopaths and narcissists, among others. However, they can appear wonderful and "just right" for us, at least for awhile. Here are 5 signs you may want to think more carefully before jumping in with both feet:
1. He or she shares everything about him or herself very fast, and expects you to do the same. This shows a lack of boundaries within themselves, as well as lack of respect for your limits. A healthy relationship should grow and develop in trust and sharing over time.
2. A feeling like he or she is instantly your "soulmate". Perhaps this is the case, but sometimes when things move that fast, it is a sign that the person you are involved with has studied you and is simply parroting back the things he or she has learned about you. People with personality disorders are experts at taking cues on how to react from others.
3. Your partner pushes toward marriage or commitment very soon into your relationship. A real relationship does not have to be rushed. If your partner seems desperate for marriage, that could be a sign of a manipulator. It may also be a sign of insecurity and neediness that does not bode well for future stability or realistic expectations.
4. You feel confused, question reality, or feel down on a consistent basis after being with your partner. A psychologically abusive partner may begin to exercise control over you by putting you down, making you feel inferior, less intelligent, morally weaker, etc. This may cause you to feel dependent and drive your desire for commitment as you seek greater stability.
5. Your life feels empty and pointless without the other person. This is a sign you need to work on being happy with yourself, and being you! Take the time to discover who you are and achieve peace with being the person you are. Your relationship will be all the stronger if two complete individuals come together -- not to fill a void in either one, but to enhance what is already there. And if you yourself are in an emotionally healthy state, you will be less likely to fall prey to an abuser or someone afflicted with a personality disorder.
Sometimes, we meet someone who is charming and get swept off our feet. We are so blinded by the idea of the person could be, that we miss what may really be there. Unfortunately, there are individuals out in the world who are not wired mentally in the same way the rest of us are. These individuals suffer from an affliction called a personality disorder -- which includes sociopaths and narcissists, among others. However, they can appear wonderful and "just right" for us, at least for awhile. Here are 5 signs you may want to think more carefully before jumping in with both feet:
1. He or she shares everything about him or herself very fast, and expects you to do the same. This shows a lack of boundaries within themselves, as well as lack of respect for your limits. A healthy relationship should grow and develop in trust and sharing over time.
2. A feeling like he or she is instantly your "soulmate". Perhaps this is the case, but sometimes when things move that fast, it is a sign that the person you are involved with has studied you and is simply parroting back the things he or she has learned about you. People with personality disorders are experts at taking cues on how to react from others.
3. Your partner pushes toward marriage or commitment very soon into your relationship. A real relationship does not have to be rushed. If your partner seems desperate for marriage, that could be a sign of a manipulator. It may also be a sign of insecurity and neediness that does not bode well for future stability or realistic expectations.
4. You feel confused, question reality, or feel down on a consistent basis after being with your partner. A psychologically abusive partner may begin to exercise control over you by putting you down, making you feel inferior, less intelligent, morally weaker, etc. This may cause you to feel dependent and drive your desire for commitment as you seek greater stability.
5. Your life feels empty and pointless without the other person. This is a sign you need to work on being happy with yourself, and being you! Take the time to discover who you are and achieve peace with being the person you are. Your relationship will be all the stronger if two complete individuals come together -- not to fill a void in either one, but to enhance what is already there. And if you yourself are in an emotionally healthy state, you will be less likely to fall prey to an abuser or someone afflicted with a personality disorder.
level of commitment in men
some women will date a man for a number of months and get physical with the man they are with. If this is your situation, more than likely you will not have a commitment from him.
How can I know this for sure? Well, men can sleep with women and enjoy spending time, they can fill up their boredom with anything that will give them a good time. Furthermore, they can have a physical attraction for a woman without wanting a long-term commitment.
When you understand the way men work, you will live your life in the sort of way that will GUARANTEE a commitment from a man if you're really into him.
When a man commits, it is because he has fallen in love. In order to fall in love, a man has to go through an internal process and this process is based on the attraction that is building inside of him from the woman that he is with.
If you're not able to build an intense attraction with a man so that he FEELS his desire for you deep within him where it literally burns him up, chances are you will not be his wife.
He'll only want you for a wife when this process within him has been met and he can't see himself wanting to be with another woman. Are you the last woman your man will be with?
I cannot state this enough...if being with your man is built on just having a physically intimate relationship, he has nothing more to look forward to. Especially if you haven't done the work to build a deep emotional attraction to the point where he feels addicted to wanting you forever.
How can I know this for sure? Well, men can sleep with women and enjoy spending time, they can fill up their boredom with anything that will give them a good time. Furthermore, they can have a physical attraction for a woman without wanting a long-term commitment.
When you understand the way men work, you will live your life in the sort of way that will GUARANTEE a commitment from a man if you're really into him.
When a man commits, it is because he has fallen in love. In order to fall in love, a man has to go through an internal process and this process is based on the attraction that is building inside of him from the woman that he is with.
If you're not able to build an intense attraction with a man so that he FEELS his desire for you deep within him where it literally burns him up, chances are you will not be his wife.
He'll only want you for a wife when this process within him has been met and he can't see himself wanting to be with another woman. Are you the last woman your man will be with?
I cannot state this enough...if being with your man is built on just having a physically intimate relationship, he has nothing more to look forward to. Especially if you haven't done the work to build a deep emotional attraction to the point where he feels addicted to wanting you forever.
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